Let’s start off by giving some updates. Our first exam was last month and I aced both my biostats ans integrated exam! I was very happy and honestly a bit surprised about biostats. Our second exam was last night; I feel okay about the integrated, but I know I failed the biostats. My brain completely blanked; I don’t think I studied enough, but it was really disappointing that I couldn’t remember how to do ANYTHING.
The past few weeks have been rough. Coming off the high of the first exam and doing well on the quizzes helped me keep going, but I kept wondering if I would be able to keep it up and this has been slowly draining me of energy. The anxiety that has come with wanting to maintain my standarss has been causing me to feel physically ill; I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit and my body won’t stop shaking. I have this tightness in my chest that I recognize as the start of a panic attack; I haven’t had one in so long that it’s been hard to calm myself down. I’ve been out of practice, which I guess is a good thing. I wish I could talk to my friends about it, but they all seem to have it together better than me and I don’t want to seem weak. I mean seriously, who gets physically ill from not getting A’s? Me apparently…
When I met with ny advisor she was so happy. She basically threw me a party because I did so well and said my test scores solidified what she knew about me. At the time it felt great, but it’s been weighing on me so much since then. What if I fail and prove her wrong? What if I fail and prove myself wrong? What if, what if, what if? What is she going to say next week when we meet again and I don’t have A’s? Will the tears I’ve so desperately tried to hold back finally come out? I eould be so embarassed but I have a feeling it might happen.
I’m so tired of trying to keep it together for my family. I’m tired of being away from my kids. I’m tired of constantly cutting our skype calls short because I feel guilty for not studying. I’m tired of not driving out to the city to take a pilates class I love because it takes away from my studying. I’m tired of feeling guilty for not spending enough time cleaning. I’m tired of missing my cats back home. I’m tired of being up at 3 AM because I can’t quiet down my thoughts.
I’m slightly annoyed it took this post to finally allow myself time to be vulnerable and cry. I feel so much better now…
I’m not perfect. I know I never will be, and as much as I expect perfection from myself it’s okay to not be the perfect student. I already made a plan on how I’m going to study for biostats to bring up my grade. I already included breaks to exercise and do fun things, like watch TV or hang out with friends. I’ll get through this semester just like I got through all the others and I will do my best to find a balance between studying and having fun.
My anxiety does not control me and it doesn’t define who I am or what I can do. It lies to me all the time about the kind of person/mother/wife/student I am all the time, but I’m not going to listen to it anymore. I have better things to do with my time that worry about things that won’t happen as long as I get things done. It’s time to stop worrying and start living.
I didn’t come up with the post title, by the way. I saw it somewhere else and it resonated with me. Thank you to person that came up with it; you’ll never knoe how much it’s helped me.